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                      YOU KNOW IT'S A WEIRD WORLD...
  Darkseid                                      ckb426@ujvax.ulst.ac.uk
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1) A happy litte face pops up when you startup and everything says
   Aldus....

2) The diskdrive accesses and its a pleseant (sic) sound......  instead of
   that whirrrr kirjgunck gzztz grinding noise

3) The speech tool develops a bad fit of giggles :)

4) The chips have had a falling out...  on screen you see:-

        Paula to Denise "Tell Gary Ive finished with memory location
        5EF54" 
        Gary to Agnus "Tell Paula I Dont care, Im going to use 7F33
        instead"
        Paula to Agnus " Tell Gary to shove it up his blitter"

5) The ascii file you just spent two hours writing , mysteriously cant be
   saved due to some obscure error..

6) The floor scrubber joke fails to rise a smile......  ;) OK Jason ?

7) Any time you mention Windoze anywhere the machine it sulks

8) You can find every single printer driver but the one you need, when you
   give up and go do something else you find what your looking for and
   youve managed to lose the text file you wanted to print in the first
   place.....  aka(Sods/Murphys Law #4)

9) The virus killer you just got, plays eerie music as it hunts for
   viruses then stages an execution of the virus on screen in many ways,
   perhaps a hanging or a beheading, maybe even an MKII move...  But the
   doc file makes no mention of this......  >:o (surprise)

10) The Guru message is accompanied by a text message to the effect that
    you are a muppet for doing what you just did......  Ive seen this
    happen......  Most Amusing...


           The complete idiots guide to computers....  Part One

                        -- Computing Definitions --


Bit:                    The Thing which programmers go mad by
Byte:                   The best way to eat lunch
Reverse Engineering     The code make more sense backwards
Ram                     What the progammer does with his head and a wall
                        when his code fails to execute for the Nth time
Rom                     Absent minded programmers
Direct Memory Access    What happens when the lid is taken off the computer
                        in a fit of temper
Floating Point          Computers dont float so whats the point
Hardcopy                A printout to verify what you knew was wrong anyway
Urgent Data Needs       It'll do tomorrow
Stack                   The pile of coffee jars in the corner
Daisychaining           The process of forming a necklace of floppy drives
Hardware                The bits left over after you've fixed the computer
CPU                     Robot in star wars
Peripheral              Now you see it, now you dont...
Megabyte                Its a big sandwhich.. OK !
Gigabyte                Oh my god look at the size of that sandwhich
Terrabyte               Christmas Dinner yummmm
Chaining                A method of attatching a programmer to their desk
                        so more work gets done.
Buffer                  What you do with your sleeve/tie to clean the 
                        screen
I/O                     What you sign to get a mortgage---
                        I/O I/O so its off to work I go
Software                A nice casual woolly jumper
Hashing                 Smoking a joint while your waiting for the data to
                        sort into alphanumeric order..
Binary                  We'll buy Nary a new computer later
Ascii                   A common phrase for those taking drugs
Hex                     Small grid for playing wargames on or 
                        a dyslexic Nymphomaniac
Port                    Best drunk slightly warm
Chip Ram                The bits that come off the programmer head when 
                        hes ramming his head into the wall
Analyst                 Well it begins with ANAL so......
Monitor                 The thing that hurts when you drop it on your toes
Keyboard                You'd be bored too if all people did was type on
                        you
FIFO                    Paging algorithim that governs Sensible World
                        Of Soccer (think about it)
SPSS                    The quickest way to drive someone mad....
MBO                     Mucho Bluffeeeng 'ombres
Hombre                  The next generation of Amigas... semi Legendary
                        vapourware
Screen                  What programmers emit when their program goes into
                        yet another unbreakable loop
Scanner                 Tacky series of horror films
Smileys                 Sir Alec Guiness computerised....
Floppy                  The way programmers brains feel after last nights
                        party


Well its time to wrap this up now.... I'd just like to add

To all Readers of Amiga Report (and all floor scrubber fans), and to all
amiga users everywhere, have a peaceful and prosperous new year...  I'd
like to wish whoever has the future of this fine hunk a'chips all the best
for the future and DONT BLOW IT THIS TIME !!!!!!